"Apple Butter for Denny"

Core and slice a lot of apples, about two paper grocery bags half full, but don't peel them. In a large, heavy pot, add a small amount of water to the sliced apples and cook on low heat until soft. Watch and stir. Add a bit more water, if needed. Press through a sieve or food mill to remove the skins. It should yield eight cups. If you leave it this way, youíll have applesauce.

To make apple butter, take the eight cups of pulp, one-half cup of vinegar, four cups of brown sugar, two teaspoons of ground cinnamon, and mix well. Return to the heavy pot and cook on low heat, stirring to prevent burning. It will take a long time.

While waiting, write a poem, a story, or both. Once the mixture stays in a smooth mass when a little is cooled on a saucer, you have apple butter. It should make three pints. Seal in sterilized jars, or just spread on good bread and eat, which is what Denny used to do when I made my motherís recipe for him with fruit from our neighbor's tree.

My neighbor gave me two bags of apples today, as she does every year, so I made Denny's apple butter. He barely tolerated my mother, but he found her recipe irresistible. I'm not fond of apple butter - too mooshy - but Denny loved it, so I made it for him even though he's not here. Cancer took him seven weeks ago. A harsh word, "cancer." Apple butter isn't harsh; it's smooth and sweet, so I made it to feel closer to Denny.

I knew for months that he would die, but it didn't prepare me for living without him. I had no idea it would be so hard! But you can't rush through grief as though it were housework. Someday I'll think of Denny and smile instead of crying. I hope that's true - I miss him so much. His apple butter tastes better than I remember. He would have loved it, and I may learn to love it, too. But not as much as I loved Denny.

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